Driving Lessons in Hell
by GorimJr
Summary: Roy, by default, tries to teach Ed how to drive. It... uh... doesn't work out that well. Some RoyxEd hints, if you take it that way. Maybe more Parental RoyxEd then anything.


**Hey, everybody! This is my first FMA fanfic (tho' not my first story on ). I got the idea from **wrath-chu./art/FMA-Driving-Lessons-38383976**, which was drawn by the awesome Wrath-chu. Her story's awesome too, so look at it. It's in her gallery, and it's called Unattainable Illusions. **

**Anyway, I know there's another one like this, but I came up with the idea BEFORE I read it. I have read it tho'. Anyway, this is my first fanfic in awhile, but if you all like it (and post reviews!) then I'll write other fanfics. I've got an idea for one, but one of my favorite things on is reviews, because I learn a lot from the readers. Anyway, I hope you like it!**

**P.S. The first line is supposed to be AFTER the whole Driving Lesson. Just so you know.**

"_I knew this was a mistake…"_

"Alright, Fullmetal. Since no one else is willing, I guess it's now _my_ job to teach you how to drive."

Ed stood next to the driver door, glaring at Mustang from across the car. Mustang stared back calmly. At the time, he had no idea what he was up against.

Roy sat in the passenger seat, while Ed slammed the driver door angrily. Then the teen stopped and sat awkwardly. Roy looked over at him.

"Yes?"

"Well… you haven't given me the keys yet." Ed muttered.

"And how do you ask?" Roy asked, savoring the moment.

Ed sighed, slowly getting more and more pissed. "May I _please_ have the keys?"

Roy smiled cheerfully. "Sure!" He tossed the keys to him. Ed caught them, glaring, and snapped them into the ignition. The car roared to life. Ed twisted around to see behind him, then hissed in frustration, and kind of stood. Roy bit his lip. "Am I going to regret this, Edward?" He asked.

Ed glanced at him, his eyebrows raised. "More than likely." Roy groaned.

Since then, Roy had given up writing on a clipboard. Nothing he'd written before was legible.

"ED! THE LIGHT WAS RED!"

"SO?!"

"SO?! ED, YOU BROKE A LAW!! WHEN WE'RE DONE, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ARREST- _SLOW DOWN!!_"

"_I WILL IF YOU WOULD JUST STOP SCREAMING!"_

Ed made a very sharp turn, narrowly missing a cat. It looked like it had a heart attack anyway.

Roy clung desperately to the arm rest. Telling Edward to slow down had long since proved to be worthless. The teen continued to take Roy's "Put the pedal to the metal" literally, much to Roy's horror. Several driving laws had already been broken, and Roy's lifespan had probably been shortened by several years, due to irreparable damage done to his heart. This was not a good day.

Ed slammed on the breaks suddenly, causing Roy to slam forward, then slam back.

"Hey, I got the break thing down!" Ed said happily.

"Great," Roy said, trembling. "Now, please slow down… and drive my to my chiropractor." He rubbed his neck. "I'm going to call this crick in my neck Lil' Ed."

"Okay, I'm going to ignore how creepy that sounded and keeping driving." Ed said, an almost insane grin on his face as he slammed on the gas pedal. Roy's head jerked back again as they shot down the road.

Roy yanked out his clipboard and scribbled over the places he was supposed to check "_HELP ME_" only it ended up looking rather odd. As Ed slammed on the break, Roy slammed the clipboard against the window, not bothering to check who was next to them.

Jean Havoc and Riza Hawkeye heard a little "thunk" and turned. Sitting in the car next to them was Ed, who looked like he was suffering from some extreme Road Insanity, and Roy who was holding up a piece of paper with the words "_HELP ME_" on it. Riza's jaw dropped while Havoc laughed his head off. Roy looked desperate, his hair everywhere. His collar was unbuttoned, his eyes wide, his face pale.

Then the light turned green and they were GONE.

Edward was having fun. Lot's of fun. Roy was being surprisingly quiet, and this driving lesson was being very enjoyable. He jerked on the wheel, turning at a practically 90 degree angle. He heard a pathetic squeak from next to him. He turned.

Roy did _not _look good.

"Um… Mustang? Are you okay?" Ed, for the first time the whole 15 minutes they'd been driving, gently eased on the break and parked next to the road. "Hey, Colonel? See? We're not driving anymore."

"My chest hurts…" Roy said weakly.

"Huh?"

"My chest hurts… and my left arm isn't working… and I feel a sense of impending doom…"

"Okay, Mustang, I know I stink, but really-"

"No, seriously…"

"Well, if you're being serious…"

"_Seriously!_"

"Then you're having a heart attack, but 30 year-olds don't have heart attacks-"

"_THEY DO WHEN THEY'VE BEEN IN THE SAME CAR AS A CRAZY TEEN WITH ROAD RAGE!" _

"Okay, okay!" Ed got out of the car. "Stay here-"

"Can I move?!"

"I'll flag down some help, okay?" Ed waved his arms wildly, and almost immediately a car parked. Hawkeye and Havoc came out.

"What's wrong? Why'd you stop?" Havoc looked like he was having a hard time not laughing.

"Um… I think Mustang _might _be having a heart attack. I'm not sure tho'…"

"I'm having a heart attack!" Roy's voice came from the car. "I'm going to die in this god-forsaken hunk of metal, because I had the common decency to try and teach a kid how to drive! Now, please, Hawkeye, call an ambulance, so I don't die."

Edward sat awkwardly in the hospital, a bouquet of flowers in his hands. Alphonse sat next to him.

"Um. Brother?" Al said softly. "The doctor said the Colonel was going to be okay. It was just a minor heart attack."

"Yeah, I know. But it was my fault he had one in the first place." The young alchemist said guiltily.

"Yeah… pretty much." The younger alchemist muttered. Ed looked even more guilty. "Oh, Ed!" Al said exasperatedly. "I doubt the Colonel will hold it against you. Really!"

The doctor tapped Ed's shoulder. "Major Elric? The Colonel wants to see you." Ed groaned, sat up, and walked to the Colonel's room.

Roy Mustang sat in his bed, fidgeting anxiously. He wasn't the type for bed rest, or "taking it easy". He was terrible at it. He needed to roam.

His fingers tapped on the tray, where a plate of food lay. In his nose was one of those little things that let out air, which was very nice, actually. The best part of this was probably the air.

A soft knock at the door snapped him out of his weird reverie. He looked up as Edward walked in, a bunch of flowers in his hand. The younger alchemist didn't meet the Colonel's eyes as he put the flowers in a vase, then he sat down in the chair next to the bed.

"Um… I-I'm sorry, Colonel. I didn't mean to… make you have a heart attack. I totally understand if you don't want to be my driving teacher anymore. But really, I _am _sorry about the whole heart attack thing."

Roy burst out laughing. Ed looked up, affronted. "Hey! I'm apologizing to you! It's not cool to laugh at someone's apology, you damn-"

"It's just that… (haha) I've never (chuckle) heard it put (giggle) _quite _that way before!" Roy said, grinning.

"What?"

"'The whole heart attack thing.' I've just never heard something like this put that way before!" The Colonel bit his lip. "It's not your- well, actually, it is kind of. But seriously. I don't hold it against you. Teens can't be expected to automatically know how to drive. Tho' it probably would have been less… life-threatening if you'd listen to me. But I'm sure you'll do better next time."

Ed looked up sharply. "'Next time'? There's a 'next time'?" He said, gaping. Roy laughed sheepishly.

"Yeah. Sure. I guess. If you promise to listen when I tell you to slow down."

"Of course!"

"And 'watch out for that cat'…"

"Oh, it got up!"

"And 'stop at red lights'."

"They were taking too damn long!"

"And 'watch out for that old lady on the bicycle'."

"Once again, she got up!"

Roy grinned. "Once I get out of the hospital, we'll try again, okay?" Ed nodded, smiling slightly and blushing.

Suddenly, a giant figure loomed over Ed and Roy's bed. Roy looked in shocked horror as Armstrong bore down on him, wrapping his giant, muscular arms around the smaller, weaker man and squeezed.

"OH, COLONEL MUSTANG! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YOU HAD A HEART ATTACK! YOU'RE SO YOUNG! I KNEW YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED GOING OUT WITH ALL THOSE GIRLS! YOU'RE EATING TOO MUCH!"

Roy's jaw dropped as several bones cracked in his body. The Major dropped the man, then started lecturing Roy on health, while Ed ran over to check how many broken bones Roy had. Hawkeye, Havoc, Breda, and Alphonse all walked in, smiling. Roy twitched, while the nurse told Ed he'd probably have to stay in the hospital for a couple more days…

Ed sat on the two phone books on the drivers seat, while Roy sat calmly in the passenger seat.

"Okay, Ed. Turn the car on and put it in reverse." Ed put the key in the ignition, looked behind the car, and backed up slowly. "Good. Now, let's go down Central St. to the street lights, okay?" Ed drove slowly, within the speed limit, down the road. "Great! You're doing much bet- WATCH OUT FOR THAT BICYCLER!"


End file.
